12 October, 1993

The Editor,
Today Newspaper
1, Virginia Street
E1 9BS

Dear Sir,

Having perused your fair publication for some time I thought I might write and pass on some of my observations.

Your headline of `Scandal` on October 11th reminds me of time I was introduced to the lovely Duchess of Argyll in the early Sixties. Lying naked on a giant silver salver I was served up with a cauliflower in one hand and a bunch of good Jersey Toms in the other. She always did like her meat and two veg!

Being a Royalist of long standing I found it surprising, if not shocking to discover that Prince Philip, the man who gave our little Oriental friends a fine example of the English language not long ago, does the Pools. I suppose we shall find next that Princess Anne calls Bingo numbers and the Queen Mother plays `Pontoon` for matches.

I see Fergie is at it again...She will find it tough climbing Everest! I know from personal experience that the native porters are jolly characters and, as your columnist Penny Wark (Today, 11th October) mentions, they have some really extraordinary manners. On my last ascent to the `Top Of The World` I had one that would insist on whistling, in D Flat Minor the first three stanzas of the Tibetan Book Of The Dead.

I mentioned this to him as we reached the South Col, as it was annoying the hippopotamuses we had taken along to prove they could live at such high altitudes. He looked at me, with the withering glance porters reserve for starting avalanches, snorted, snapped an icicle from his balaclava, and began to whistle `Please Don`t Talk About Me Where I`m Gone` in reply...

The caption to the picture you published of Hilary Clinton nuzzling her husband (Today, October 11th) is wrongly worded I feel. It should read `That`s my Bill, Man.` This seems more appropriate as she is whispering in his ear that she has just purchased a tie-dye teashirt, three pairs of open toed sandals and a full colour poster of Tangerine Dream.

Yours Sincerely

GENERAL P.M. HAMPTON Esq. (Rtd.) etc, etc


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