Let us start from the very beginning...
This is the first letter that my old friend sent to the Dorset Echo. I hope you enjoy;

17 July, 1993

The Editor
Dorset Evening Echo 
57, St Thomas Street 

Dear Sir,

Concerning the dangers of runaway bicycles (Letters Page, Echo, July 15th, 1993) I thought I would write and warn you and your gentle readers of a far deadlier menace-the common or garden match-or as we used to know it in the trenches, the `Lucifer`. Yes, the humble Swan Vesta! This innocent looking wooden stick of dynamite could begin a conflagration of `Great Fire of London` proportions. To think that today`s youth has access to such a dangerous gadget makes my hair curl, (if you saw my aged head you`d see how scary that really is!!)

Another item that could cause untold damage if placed in unwary hands is the ladies hat pin! Who has`nt been travelling on our local town omnibus (standing, I might add) and been punctured painfully in the posterior by an uncaring woman passenger bending down to smooth out her suspenders. I know I have...

There are other hidden dangers too. Large dogs and stepladders spring swiftly to mind. Also, what about those fiendishly contrived `individual` milk cartons so beloved by our local catering establishments? Imagine if you will, the pain and distress caused if some poor soul finally managed to lever one open suddenly, and their unprotected knees were allergic to milk products!?

As for the cure of the problem, I believe the Government should set up a Working Party to look into the dangerous world we live in. Top scientists should be set the task, using the new science of `Chaos Theory` to make life safer for us all. Once more the British Empire would become great in the eyes of the world. Inspectors would be employed everywhere (what a challenge for the Governments` much vaunted `Job Creation` scheme. Random inspection would not do at all.. Each individual would have their own `Menace Inspector` capable of intervening at the imminent sign of danger. This would include such tasks as; diving in front of oncoming killer wasps, plunging their bare arms into Fete prize bran-tubs (in case of lurking blood thirsty lobsters), test tasting street vendor hot-dogs and hamburgers, and as for the careless loss of the Ozone Layer, we should enlist the services of a Private Detective Agency and find it, as soon as possible!

I hope I have not scared your readers needlessly, but that the `Powers That Be` take my suggestions to heart...

Yours Sincerely
GENERAL P.M. HAMPTON Esq (Rtd.) etc, etc.

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