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The mysterious Putin Vanishing...

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13th April 2015

Dear Sirs,

There has been much confusion recently about the whereabouts of the Russian leader Putin. 

Due to my military contacts I can now confirm that he was attending a top secret Tiddlywinks competition in Helsinki!

The President has a great love of Tiddlywinks and plays it whenever he can. Also at the event was a specialist team from the British MI5 who have a department dedicated to the game.

Yours, as always


GENERAL P.M. HAMPTON Esq (Rtd) etc, etc


28 February, 1994

The Editor,
Dorset Evening Echo 57, St Thomas Street Weymouth Dorset
Dear Sir,


After reading your article `Chip, chip, Hooray` in the Echo of February 28th I thought I would write and argue against your seemingly concrete assertion that there are no records existent of fish and chip shops in the Andes 7,000 years ago.


In my younger days I explored the most exotic areas of this extraordinary planet of ours and one day found myself in the silent city of Sacsayhuaman, Bolivia. After pootling around, slipping postcards between the giant stones that make up this fascinating place, I must have touched a hidden latch and a small square stone slid out of the wall and a secret compartment was there revealed. Within the compartment four stone tablets lay, covered in cobwebs and dust. Being fluent in seven known languages and six unknown …
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Now...some  Culture from the fine Dorset village of Little Piddle:

Piddle Pride (A Poem)

    We Piddle Men are standing proud,
    We say again, and say out loud!
    We Piddle Men are proud to say;
    `We Piddle, Piddle every day!`

    Oh, Piddle River that proudly flows
    from far upstream,
    to where - God knows!

    To Piddle we are proud to do,
    and make our Piddle plain to view,
    But how we shake and how we tremble,
    when we think of `Number Two*!`

    Cuthbert Clinch (1850-1935)
    Village Poet and Undertaker

*Number Two: A derogatory term that the villagers have for the growing city of Big Piddle that is slowly encroaching on them from the North.








Famous Inventors from Little Piddle

Fred Clavicle (1850-1910) inventor of steam driven false teeth.

Julius F. Hozhalf inventor invisible writing paper.

Henry Alexander Follen, Originator of the `Follen Theory of Male Pattern Hair Loss` (who`s first and only rule states `It just lets go...`)

All these Great Minds sleep in sweet repose in th…
12 October, 1993

The Editor,
Today Newspaper
1, Virginia Street
London
E1 9BS

Dear Sir,

Having perused your fair publication for some time I thought I might write and pass on some of my observations.

Your headline of `Scandal` on October 11th reminds me of time I was introduced to the lovely Duchess of Argyll in the early Sixties. Lying naked on a giant silver salver I was served up with a cauliflower in one hand and a bunch of good Jersey Toms in the other. She always did like her meat and two veg!

Being a Royalist of long standing I found it surprising, if not shocking to discover that Prince Philip, the man who gave our little Oriental friends a fine example of the English language not long ago, does the Pools. I suppose we shall find next that Princess Anne calls Bingo numbers and the Queen Mother plays `Pontoon` for matches.

I see Fergie is at it again...She will find it tough climbing Everest! I know from personal experience that the native porters are jolly characters and, as your column…
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Letters,
The Editor
Dorset Evening Echo
57, St Thomas Street
Weymouth
Dorset

Dear Sir,

Since my last letter (August 1 1993) I have been scanning the pages of your publication with much eagerness. It seems to me you cover the `goings-on` of the local population with much vigour. With the arrival of local steam radio I can see the news market being blown wide open. Headlines like `Our Blinds Stay Up Say Hoteliers` of October 6th are sure to bring what still exists of Fleet Street hotfooting it down here to root out the dirt!

My Nurse, Inga, she of the long legs, short skirt and strange step ladder phobia drew my attention to your front page headline of September 18 `Love Potion Fails To Stir Emotion.` She went on the tell in hushed tones of the time she worked in `Sexy Sadies` Saddle Shop and Sauna` and of the poor woman who took too much `Spanish Fly` and the way the situation got quite out of hand. They had to remove the goldfish bowl, cover the hot fondue, and knock her down with Tequila mix…
1 August, 1993

Letters,
The Editor Dorset Evening Echo 57, St Thomas Street Weymouth
Dorset

Dear Sir,

Pondering, as I do on local affairs-the Vicar and the local cricket team Captains` wife not withstanding-I have noticed lately that Weymouth has great potential in the Tourism department. Mr Harvey Bailey, that paragon of the Pavilion set should be congratulated, nay Canonised for his vigorous efforts in bringing the blinkered-if not tunnel visioned-town of Weymouth kicking a screaming into the Twenty First Century.

It is gratifying to note that two of Weymouths` greatest tourist attractions are thematically conceived around disasters e.g.; The Time Walk, Brewers Quay around the `Great Plague` (14th Century) and the Diving Museum, Custom House Quay, around the sinking of the good ship Titanic (April 14th, 1912).
May I suggest to Mr Bailey another di…
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Let us start from the very beginning...
This is the first letter that my old friend sent to the Dorset Echo. I hope you enjoy;

17 July, 1993
Letters,
The Editor
Dorset Evening Echo 
57, St Thomas Street
Weymouth
Dorset

Dear Sir,

Concerning the dangers of runaway bicycles (Letters Page, Echo, July 15th, 1993) I thought I would write and warn you and your gentle readers of a far deadlier menace-the common or garden match-or as we used to know it in the trenches, the `Lucifer`. Yes, the humble Swan Vesta! This innocent looking wooden stick of dynamite could begin a conflagration of `Great Fire of London` proportions. To think that today`s youth has access to such a dangerous gadget makes my hair curl, (if you saw my aged head you`d see how scary that really is!!)

Another item that could cause untold damage if placed in unwary hands is the ladies hat pin! Who has`nt been travelling on our local town omnibus (standing, I might add) and been punctured painfully in the posterior by an uncaring woman pa…