Dorset Evening Echo
57, St Thomas Street
Since my last letter (August 1 1993) I have been scanning the pages of your publication with much eagerness. It seems to me you cover the `goings-on` of the local population with much vigour. With the arrival of local steam radio I can see the news market being blown wide open. Headlines like `Our Blinds Stay Up Say Hoteliers` of October 6th are sure to bring what still exists of Fleet Street hotfooting it down here to root out the dirt!
My Nurse, Inga, she of the long legs, short skirt and strange step ladder phobia drew my attention to your front page headline of September 18 `Love Potion Fails To Stir Emotion.` She went on the tell in hushed tones of the time she worked in `Sexy Sadies` Saddle Shop and Sauna` and of the poor woman who took too much `Spanish Fly` and the way the situation got quite out of hand. They had to remove the goldfish bowl, cover the hot fondue, and knock her down with Tequila mixed with Flit.
Another front page headline that had the old pince-nez steaming up was `Storm In A D-Cup` of September 9th. The young fillies pictured on Weymouth seafront really had the blood whizzing around the veins. Sadly there is one limb the blood cannot reach, due to the passing years, but Inga, dear child that she is, does her best. I am a martyr to a cold nose...
Whilst in Weymouth recently taking a pootle around the Charity shops to see if I could get any, I heard a mysterious crackling coming from the seafront. I thought at the time it was the sound of thousands of crisp new £50 notes being passed from hand to hand, or maybe a giant Pork scratching cookout. Having reached home I prised your fine publication from the jaws of the Doberman and discovered the Alexandra Gardens had burned down (September 13th). I went back there within the past few days and could not tell the difference!!
Keep up the good work, and I hope you had a better issue of `Escort` than I did! I had to unstick the pages of mine with a paperknife. I`ll have to see young Raymond the next time I`m in Soho. You`d think on an estimated worth of £1.5 billion he could afford a copy of his own...
GENERAL P.M. HAMPTON Esq. (Rtd.) etc, etc.